sweet dreams are made of babies

I keep forgetting to mention about dreams! It seems that I’ve been having baby dreams every night! No kidding! It’s ALWAYS a boy in my dreams. Maybe I will have a son in 6 months time. Gee, I’d be the only girl at home taking care of 3 boys (Jon, son, and Sam). My dreams are happy ones. I hope they are glimpse of my future. The boy is such a cutie and plump in an infant kind of way!

Besides feeling tired in the early evenings, I’m mostly fine. I find myself feeling more and more normal lately and that’s awesome! The other night I cooked pork sinigang. It wasn’t a complete recipe (due to limited Asian veg resources) but was still very tasty overall. It was my dinner for 3 evenings! It must’ve brought me back to normalcy because I started feeling normal after having it! I swear Filipino food is my soul food.

Lately at home, when I wear my pajamas, I start getting the feeling that my abdominal area is stretched especially after eating. I’ve never had that stretching feeling before. I worry that my skin would crack one day or just have massive stretch marks. Eek. I’m not emotionally prepared to deal with that!

Weather here in Wellington is very good these days! We’ve been getting sun a lot and it’s so nice! It feels like spring-summerish. I love this weather. I hope this continues cuz it helps people’s moods too. I can tell how much people light up because of this great weather. It sure does help my pregnancy too. It just seems like reaching the end of first tri and getting better were the reasons for the weather to improve. It’s all about me! :)

I was supposed to have a midwife visit yesterday but she cancelled on me 3 hours before the appointment because she delivered 2 babies. She was apologetic and that was nice. I just wanted my first schedule to happen already! So that I could get an official scan! So that we could see our baby and hear the heartbeat! Okay, next appointment is Tuesday 9am.

Jonno, I hope I’m not pushing you away by being insecure of my pregnancy hugeness and whining! Thanks for being sweet and caring and I love you dearly!

Midwife from my past

I have a midwife. The one I had last time. I thought that was strange actually. We talked today after she had left us 2 voice messages in the past 2 weeks! I knew it was weird not to have heard from a midwife at 11 weeks. Anyway, she told me that I will have another midwife by end of this year. Her name is Ting. Margaret, the past midwife, is officially my midwife until Ting takes over. Ting is not a licensed midwife yet and Margaret is taking her under her wing. I thought I’d be getting ample attention from 2 midwives because Margaret will still be “mentoring” Ting until I give birth.

So there it is. Jon and I will have our first midwife visit 2 days from now. I will definitely ask for a referral for my first official ultrasound scan! I can’t wait to get measurements! I still have symptoms, and I’m pleased in a way coz that means I’m still pregnant. One more week to go… I’m anxious to go past 13 weeks.

At lunch today I sat with a Filipina co-worker and we talked about feeling settled in this country. She also moved here around the same time I did. She moved with her husband and 6-yr old daughter. I told her about my feelings of anxiety about buying a house here or going for KiwiSaver just because they both make me feel that I’d be creating roots here. She said it is my pregnancy talking. I believe her in some ways, and maybe it’s my pregnancy that’s making me doubt it again. Whenever I imagine us paying mortgage, all I keep thinking is the number of years that would tether me in NZ. It’s strange. I felt secure before I moved here. I was fine about buying a house, settling for a long time… I don’t even know if I could be as satisfied living in Manila. I didn’t exactly have a social life because of my busy work schedule, and also because people just change as they age. We all go different routes that make us prioritise different things. Hence the minimal social life I had. I know I just miss the familiarity of Manila – my cute little cousin Ashly who almost lives at home, happy Christmases and New Year’s, friends, food (!!!), and just being there. Spirit is great in Manila!

My co-worker said all these feelings will change once I have the baby. Would they really? I truly hope so. It’s going to be sad if I would never feel satisfied wherever I would be. I have never felt this before at all! I always knew where I was going to go, what I want to do, and so far I’ve done what I wanted to do and reached this age where I thought I would be in most aspects of life. Wouldn’t it be funny if this proved to be just hormones making me think and feel such things?

Tomorrow is the start of 12 weeks! Whoopee! I am happy. The other night I felt the hard part of my abdomen and I knew it was Peanut! I made Jon feel it too and he smiled, although he prefers an actual scan to make his heart bounce again at the sight of his baby. I feel much better being pregnant this time. Apart from all this crappy vents and whining that drive Jon nuts, I’m overall feeling good. So I feel good about this pregnancy. I feel more strength from the baby. I hope I’m right!

Pregnancy can make a woman lazy. This is becoming a fact I think. No woman who was pregnant before ever told me they didn’t have laziness phase at all. I need more validation on this!

11 weeks and going!

I am 11 weeks today! I am starting to feel calmer about the whole pregnancy thing. There are moments when I allow my imagination to soar even further past giving birth and I feel excitement about playing with my baby, sharing joyful moments with Jon, and simply living my family life. I regularly visit sites about pregnancy and read these notes from pregnant women from all over and feel their excitement despite their physical troubles brought upon by pregnancy. I’m allowing myself to also feel what they feel, although at times I don’t.

I’m a lousy pregnant lady, you know? I don’t like it because it’s hard. I just want the baby alive and healthy and out of my body. I whine a lot and Jon is suffering. He’s such a winner though. I know he tries to be a really good partner and honestly, in my laziness as of late, I would not have survived sanely without him by my side.

Another mental trouble for me is my homesickness. I obviously get homesick when I get pregnant because I crave Filipino cuisine. Because I can’t cook in this state, I imagine all the goodies mom makes and I ache from yearning it all. Last weekend, mom told me that part of the reason why I don’t enjoy pregnancy are not having familiar faces to talk to, not having familiar food I crave for, and just the fact that I don’t feel normal.

Oh I am just negative! Ugh! Lately, I get more confident that this pregnancy will be successful. 2 more weeks to beat and I will get more confident that I will not miscarry again. I forgot to write about my flu 3 weeks ago! I didn’t have cough and cold, but I sure did have muscle aches, headache, vomiting (a bit), diarrhoea, and fever! The fever scared me so I took paracetamol. The morning I got sick, I just felt so ill on my way to work. Poor Jon, he didn’t even get to warm his seat at work and had to leave again to pick me up. We went to the hospital to get myself checked. I am the type who doesn’t like medication and declined laxative prescription for my constipation issues too. I just started being good about eating cereals (and I’m not really a cereal person too) to help with fibre intake.

I don’t show yet, but I have a pouch because my abdomen is pouchy. If I were a man, I’d be the type with the belly. I have gained weight but I think it stopped. I only have 1 pair of jeans that I fit in but only because it was a size bigger when I bought it couple of months ago. I’ve told a number of co-workers because I felt I had to justify my constant eating at work. I’m still tired by end of day most of the time. I still choose what I eat because I still can’t just eat anything. My nose is still sensitive and I’m very, very pleased that Jon has taken full responsibility of cleaning Samson’s behind. He’s a bit hairy there. Ok no more details.

I browsed an album of pregnant bellies and found so many differences in women! I think I’m the type who wouldn’t really show until the baby’s big inside of me. I saw this photo of a 9-week belly that looked like 15 weeks to me! Can’t imagine that in another 4 weeks I’ll be showing!

In a way I smile at my future hardships of being a parent. I believe in having a child. I really don’t know what I’ll do with the money I’ll earn as I get older. I feel that if I decided not to have a child I would just constantly bring pleasure to my life, hence to me. It feels selfish to me. I would like to experience working for someone’s future. Although I have a partner, it still seems like just a treat not to have children. I already feel and think that my life has been a treat. I want to be busy about someone’s health, well-being, education, pleasure, overall living… It’s all a challenge. Having children is like paying it forward I think. I like the idea of that.

"eat me" says the food

after a month of not doing chores, i was back in (a bit of) action! jon and i worked together to bring some order in our chaotic house. it's not in perfect condition but much better!

i'm still amazed at my mostly pleasant pregnancy. i still have the gagging feeling in the morning but i think i finally figured it out. when i don't drink hot choco, i don't end up having that feeling. i decided to tell a few coworkers about it - those that are in the project team office where i'm working at for the last 2 weeks or so. i kinda felt forced to because i just don't stop eating! our project manager still gets surprised that she always finds me eating every time she steps into the room from a meeting or whatever.

i'm 9.5 weeks now. sometimes i get the feeling that it's gonna be a boy, but who knows really. jon prefers a girl because he wants to be the only boy in the house. i wonder what we'll have but i'm excited to find out! i'm not sure if i'll share it but i think i will :) the surprise will be what the little pea would look like and not the gender!

my dad mentioned to me that my mom might come see us if she gets bored at home. that i don't mind! just thinking of all the yummy food she'd make! but i worry that this place is not cosmo as Manila, and that she'd find it boring. so i'd rather that she visits with dad and not by herself. it'll be fun for me either way, but i'm not sure for her.

oooh, yesterday i had the same meal for lunch and dinner - deep fried quarter chicken, fried rice, and salad! jesus, i'm such a pig! but it was sooooo gooood!!!